You’re the only one who really knew me at all…

Mommy!

Mommy!

Day 6.   So today I’m thankful for my Mom.  She’s exactly where I get it from.

I never felt stupid as a child.  I always felt like she thought I was smart.  Sometimes that worked to my advantage and I was encouraged to take harder classes and read harder books and please, do your poetry project on TS Eliot.  Because you know, his work was easy.  Sometimes that meant that mediocrity wasn’t good enough.  Often, that was the case.  Mediocrity wasn’t okay.  B’s were only okay if I really had to study for the B because the problem was sometimes I didn’t have to study for the A.  She was a Tiger Mother before anyone wrote a book about Tiger Mothers and before it was cool.  Her theory was that if she did things for me like my homework or pay too many of my bills that I would get the impression that she didn’t think I could do it on my own and that I would feel bad for myself.  I keep assuring her that her buying me a new pair of boots won’t make me feel like I’m unable to buy my own or that I have less self worth but she never listens.  It’s actually a big part of the reason I’m so independent.

She instilled in me, and all of my high school friends can attest to this, that dead is forever and ever and always.  This is something that I have learned is more true than I would have ever thought in high school.  It used to drive me crazy.  Every time we’d leave the house she’d tell me and my friends “Don’t do anything stupid.  Dead is forever and ever and always.”  We all laughed and said we wouldn’t and it was funny because we were 17 and invincible.  Now, I know it to be a sad and very true fact.  It was a clue early on in life that life is short and precious and fleeting.  I didn’t get it AT. ALL. back then.  But doing what I do now…I get it.  And I’m glad that it was pushed as a teenager.  It probably ended up making a difference.

The best part is that she made it okay to be interesting and independent.  She had friends besides Daddy.  She had interests outside of David and me.  She had things to do outside of the house.  She was successful at work.  AND I was still well taken care of, well loved and she was always at all my concerts and musicals and soccer games (for like, one season when I was 5 mostly so people would take my picture).  For me being a super awesome grown up lady with a life and friends and stuff to do and places to go and people to see was totally normal.

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But if you try sometimes you just might find…You Get What You Need.(

Movember 2…Today I’m thankful for my job.  After a bit of a crazy day I went out with a nurse who I don’t usually go out with but who gives HANDS DOWN the BEST pep talks on our whole unit (seriously…if you feel down about life…sit and talk to Theresa and you’ll get exactly the pep talk you didn’t know you needed) and we sat and ate and drank and talked about our crazy jobs and the more we talked the more we realized that no matter how far removed we are from all of the hubub of what goes down on the unit and now NORMAL the critical illnesses and codes and badness becomes…we have the BEST job in the world.  

We see the best and the worst in humanity every day.  We see people fight to live and go home to die.  We see families who never show up and the ones who are there every day, in and out, no matter what.  We see people on the worst day of their lives and to us……..it’s normal.  It’s a Tuesday.  It’s just another day of the week.  

My friend Bonnie, who in her own right is an EXTREMELY accomplished woman, who’s written songs that bring me to tears and who takes complex and complicated emotions and puts them into these amazing songs…when we get to see each other and really talk and she asks me about my job we talk about the people that I’ve been with as they are dying.  And what kills me is that she gets that THAT is amazing.  My team at JPS and myself are the last stop in a line of medical interventions, medications and consults and we are the ones who are there when the end comes.  And I rarely ever think of how truly wondrous that is.  Usually, to an ICU nurse, that represents a loss.  A defeat.  I wasn’t able to do enough interventions or change enough lab values or give enough meds to make a difference.  But what it really is…it’s human.  It’s the most human thing there is.  It’s amazing and it’s wondrous.  And it’s the best job in the world.

It’s not all codes and crash carts and stat trips to the OR.  Don’t get me wrong…I LIVE for that.  Very little makes my blood pump like a code.  Like being the last stop between someone and death.  If I can run a code…my day is made.  Really, my week.  But what is also fulfilling…titrating that last drip off.   Getting that patient to follow commands.  Helping with placement planning.  OOB to chair.  Up for meals.  EATING meals.  The first time the patient puts their deodorant on by themselves.  Transferring to rehab.  Home with hospice.  Helping someone get what they NEED.  

Sure I’m a bitch sometimes.  Maybe a lot of times.  But I like to think I’m a bitch on behalf of my patient.  In an effort to help someone get what they need to get through or get better.  Or get home.  

This is the best job in the world.  It has, on occasion, been the worst job in the world.  I remember a month where pretty much everyone I touched died and one day I ended up asking for an easy assignment because I needed a win.  There have been days when I’ve begged for a sick patient because I need to make a difference in the balance.  

And I ALWAYS get what I need.  Whether it’s what I thought I needed or not…I get what I need.  Every day.  Which is what makes it the greatest job in the world.  

Thankful

I’ve moved my Movember thankfulness here instead of Facebook to inspire me to blog more.  

So day 1 I find myself to be thankful for a car that runs well and doesn’t require prayer to start up.  I hit up the Hobby Lobby on my usual craft supply run and while I was getting myself and my purchases into my car I noticed the woman in the car across from mine starting her car over and over and over again until it finally sputtered to a start.   I could see the desperation on her face and the relief when that rattly old minivan engine finally turned over.  I’ve never had to feel that kind of desperation mostly because I’ve had such a blessed life but the look of relief I saw made it easy to imagine- it was literally written all over the woman’s face.  

The thankfulness for the car that starts of course leads to a long line of thanks for the job that helps me pay the car payments and maintenance and gas, the education that got me the job and the parents that financed the education so I could get the job that makes the money that pays for the car that always starts.  

But that’s awful complicated for day one…so for day one, I saw that I’m thankful for a car that starts.  Plus…when it’s clean, it sparkles black glitter in the sunshine.  

7-0

I’m finding myself all kinds of inspired today.  New website/blog for the little crafting business, new project, actually updating my personal blog.  Mind you, not inspired enough to do laundry, but inspired.

I spent a good chunk of the morning/early afternoon watching the Texas Tech/WVU game and that one was much closer than I prefer, but my boys came away 7-0.  The addition of Kliff Kingsbury has been a game changer for this Tech fan.  I was generally unimpressed with the Tommy Tuberville years, being a huge Leach fan from my days in Lubbock.  I’ve even been busting out my backlogged collection of Texas Tech shirts that I just haven’t been inspired to wear since the exit of Mike Leach.  But now…It’s on!!

I”m on call today which mostly means that I have to be able to report to the hospital within an hour.  I generally don’t schedule myself for anything other than errands around town on these days and today was no exception.  So today I finished my little picture frame wreath I made myself for Christmas door decoration. Image

Now, I’m just watching some college football and thinking of making something warm to eat.  On deck for tomorrow is actual work.  Woo.

7-11

So…I worked a lot over the weekend and skipped out on the internet.  Meh.

So today is day 11 of the reset and I actually have more days behind me than ahead of me which is AWESOME.  This is the longest I’ve stuck with something so restrictive…really glad I’m doing this with Diana and really glad I’m doing this in general.  The food has really been good.  There have only been a few things that I haven’t liked or haven’t wanted to try and I’ve been full basically the whole time.  Except yesterday.  Yesterday I was hungry ALL.  DAY.  LONG.

This is week two which marks the beginning of “Release” week and that means poo powder.  It’s nasty and thick and looks like dirt and hasn’t exactly been the most effective producer of elimination in the world.  Next week is “Reclaim” which means big ol’ horse pills full of stuff.  At least it’s not another powder is all I’m saying.  And…I’m actually looking forward to maybe being able to work out which is not normal for me.  Guess it really is a reset!

Work work work like always.  Orlando is coming sooner and sooner and I really need the break and the yearly reminder of why I love my job.  The post-Joint Commission haze is fading and it’s back to business and chart audits as usual.  Epic starts May 5th and I’m actually looking forward to it because it should eliminate a lot of issues.  Should.  Hopefully.  Hopefully.  Seriously- hopefully.  I feel like I need a refresher course though…

May is finally here which means a blessed new crop of residents- Couldn’t come soon enough.  Some of my favorites are back on the unit which makes me stupid happy and they’ll be available for birthday dinner and drinks before the Official 30th Birthday Weekend Roadtrip with some of my work girls!!  Plus I get to see my Rachel Allene for lunch one of those days which makes me way happy.  Austin here I come!!!

Six Days In

ATCN Certified!!  So if you look up from your ICU bed after a trauma and see me…you’re gonna get some kick ass trauma nursing.  Planning on taking the instructor course next month- Level 3 here I come!!

Day 6 was okay.  Not the best food ever…but not awful.  Oatmeal for lunch, quinoa salad and a regular green salad for lunch was pretty good.  I got the quinoa salad from the premade food section at central market and it was fantastic- vegan and everything and way better than anything I would have made.  Dinner was just kind of meh.  Roasted root veggies were good but not awesome and the zucchini-cashew salad had a nice initial taste but an odd after taste.  I’m feeling pretty energetic though throughout the day and not really having problems with hunger or cravings which is really  nice considering there were cookies and muffins and full size candy bars all over ATLS today (Thanks Dr. Gandhi…for nothin’!)

Successfully took Layla’s staples out because why on earth wouldn’t I do it???  I’m totally qualified to remove staples as it is something I do on a regular basis at my job.  Staples are out, incision site looks fantastic and whatever little cold/allergies/whatever she had that had me take her to the vet in the first place is gone and she is as energetic and jumping around like always.  Love her.  Seriously.

I’m ready for May.  May means new residents (Thank Jesus) and my niece’s birthday and the Life Gift Second Chance Run/Walk and NTI in Orlando and of course it means it’s almost June which means it’s almost my birthday!!!!!

Day 7 starts tomorrow and another day at work, which means Day 8 and it’s “Release” powder is coming soon…let’s hope they clear the tub room!!!

4 and 5 keep you alive…

Quick prebed post on Days 4 and 5. 

Day 4 was my first day at work on the Reset and it went pretty well.  I ran out of time in the morning and had a Shakeology for breakfast and it kept me surprisingly full all the way until lunch.  Lunch was the LifeGift Joint Council Meeting so I had my lentils and salad while everyone else had their awesome looking Pot Belly sandwiches but it’s okay.  The lentils weren’t as good the second day by half.  They were actually a little gross.  The lime that made them so great on Day 3 was blech.  Dinner though…OMG coconut oil is my new favorite cooking tool.  There were veggies stir fried in coconut oil plus quinoa and a salad and it was AWWWWWWESOME.  The coconut oil made the veggies taste amaaaazing. 

Day 4 was another small challenge because Diana and I were taking day 1 of 2 for ATCN- Advanced Trauma Care for Nurses.  Which was catered by the hospital.  With fajitas.  Also queso.  Thankfully we had each other to sit by with our quinoa salad and hummas but man did the queso look good.  Another round of stir fried veggies tonight…super quick to make too, I’ll definitely be keeping this particular recipe around.  It was a good one.  Bought the food for week two and a TON of fruit.  Lots of fruits and veggies- I even branched out and got some beets and asparagus so we’ll see if I like them.  My fridge is WAY full.  Plus the freezer because I had just bought about a weeks worth of meat and pasta for dinners before I decided to do the reset…Whoops!Q

Tomorrow is Day 6 of the reset and the second day of ATCN.  The testing seems pretty intense but I’m excited to have another set of letters to go with my trauma swaggers.  Love me some trauma swaggers!!  Working all weekend and then three days off.  Week 2 of the reset – Release- starts Sunday…scary!!!